Blaqball (sport)

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Rheddie
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Blaqball (sport)

Post by Rheddie »

Blaqball is the national sport of Torn. Developed in the Victorian Era, every city has its own frenuously supported blaqball team and it is also popular in the glamour schools, where it is compulsory for male students from 9am to 3:30pm every Sarthday.

Pitch

The blaqball pitch (pictured) is half a mile long along its longest axis. This axis is always angled east–west. The pitch is marked as in the picture. The red zones are the fire zones characterised by ten foot columns of burning flame. The black circles are the hit pits.

Image

Teams

Each blaqball team has 23 players consisting of:

(1) 1 stoker, charged with keeping the flames burning in the fire zone.
(2) 7 trolls, the largest players. Numbered T-I to T-VII.
(3) 5 spearers, mid-size players each armed with a three-foot spear. Positions: right flank spearer, right centre, mid centre spearer, left centre spearer, left flank spearer.
(4) 2 javelists, mid-size players each armed with a seven-foot javelin. Positions: right and left.
(5) 6 squints, the smallest male players. Never taller than about 5’7’’. Positions: right forward, left forward, right mid, left mid, right back, left back. The back squints, also known as the glue squints, have their hands covered in sticky glue.
(6) 2 girlies, two female players, usually aged 11-12 (school matches) / 13-16 (professional matches). Known as the Top Girlie and the Bottom Girlie.

All players are male apart from the girlies. Apart from government-licensed girlies, females are banned from participation or watching blaqball.

Teams must keep strictly to the height and weight guidelines. Any teams found to break these rules will be dismembered until they adhere to them.

Rules

The full rules of blaqball are known only to licensed senior referees, whose tongues are removed to stop them blabbing any secrets. (There is one senior referee and two junior referees in any game.) The referees are the heroes of blaqball and widely acknowledged by the populace. They are also extremely rich and appear in lots of advertisements, publishing deals etc.

The full public rules are extremely complex and can only be mastered after years of experience. ⅙
However the basic purpose of blaqball is quite simply. Players must get the “ball” (actually an irregular shaped triacontahedral drakon egg) to the safety of their hit pit. Once the ball is safely deposited in the pit the team scores one HIT. At this point a new ball is introduced and play commences from the Zenterpunkt.

Blaqballs have a tendency to cool down as the game progresses. If a cool ball is deposited in a team’s pit it is declared DEAD and the team loses a hit. Therefore it is in the teams’ interests to keep the ball warm. This is achieved primarily by depositing it in the fire zone. The fire zones can also be used to dispatch of members of the opposing team (thankfully due to the advanced medical science of Torn severe burns are mostly treatable). There are no substitutes in blaqball.
There are over a hundred and eight other ways of scoring, for example by punting the ball across the entirely of the central diamond, (½ hit), catching the ball while it is emitting its customary flaming vapour trail or “fart” (¼ hit), forming a human pyramid consisting of no less than half of the members of one’s team (⅕ hit), the same but also involving at least one member of the other team (⅖ hit), etc.

Another important rule is that the ball may not be taken into either of the two end zones (the squares containing the hit pits) until it has first been taken into the dummy zone (marked by the dotted lines). Getting the ball into the dummy zone earns the team an ATTEMPT at venturing into the endzone, once the ball leaves the zone the attempt is over (a “failed attempt”, minus ⅙ hit points).

Play takes place in distinct stages, namely:

(1) The DECLARATION stage; this lasts three-and-a-half minutes. At this stage of the game there is no ball only a small golden coin. The team in possession of the coin at the end of the declaration gains control of the ball at the start of the next stage. Play in this stage is confined to the inner diamond (except for the stokers).
(2) The FIREPLAY stage, at this stage the ball is still extremely hot. This stage lasts forty-five minutes. There is then a thirty second break.
(3) WINTER, this stage lasts two and a half hours and is divided into four “farthings” of uneven length with a twelve-second break between each. The temperature on the pitch is lowered dramatically and the fire zones burn low. During the final and coldest farthing the girlies leave the pitch and the remaining 42 male players are required to compete naked.
(4) There is then a twenty minute lunch break during which players are only permitted to eat oranges.
(5) HELL, this is even hotter than the fireplay and lasts thirty minutes.
(6) MEGABEATING, during this stage the trolls carry truncheons. It lasts twenty-seven minutes.
(7) POLKA, this stage is accompanied by dance music and the girlies are each given flame throwers. It lasts ten minutes after which the girlies are thrown into the hit pits where they must remain for the remainder of the game (this usually takes about two minutes).
(8) SECOND HELL, this is just like Hell and also lasts thirty minutes.
(9) DRINKS BREAK, this lasts twenty-one minutes. Only players age 16+ are permitted to drink alcohol.
(10) COOLING DOWN, this is the final stage of ordinary time and lasts fifty minutes.

If after cooling down the difference in the score between the two teams is less than 10 hit points (which it normally is) then it is time for EXTRA TIME which lasts until one team has a lead of at least 15 points or until somebody dies, whichever occurs earliest. If the game ends due to death then this is called a DEATH TIE and neither team is officially the winner.

In knockout games ties are not possible so a replay is called. There can be up to six replays (fourteen in the school leagues), which must be played on consecutive days. If the score is still tied after the last replay then the game goes to SUDDEN SHOOTOUT in which the two girlies on each team must face off with super soakers and try to catch their opponents in nets. The team which succeeds at this is declared the winner.

Competitions

The glamour schools in each city or region compete in local leagues. The winners of these proceed into the national SCHOOLS CUP.

Much more prominent however is the SUPER-DUPER LEAGUE in which there is one team from each city e.g. the Pibpej Pirates, the Ƿeograncesos Ƿrashers, Calx Cannons, Kanolbarth Albion, Burnhamwood Haggis, etc. The SD League is divided into two splits, each of eleven teams: the Supreme Split and the Premier Split.

The top eight teams in the Supreme Split at the end of the season compete in a knockout competition for the SOUTH CHINA PLATE. Meanwhile the bottom two teams and the top two teams in the Premier Split compete in the GREENING BOWL to determine who gets promoted or relegated. There is also another competition called the DEVIL’S FORK which is open to all Super-Duper League teams.
ωqések zusada axbuqev́ : cuaqek cuaqzaént epbióv́
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elemtilas
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Re: Blaqball (sport)

Post by elemtilas »

Spiff!

Gotta love sports with volumes of arcane and senseless rules. This reminds me of a mad complex of ullamaliztli, cricket, quidditch, golf and baseball for all its strange rules and situations!
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