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eldin raigmore
 Post subject: TC: Funeral for a Girl
PostPosted: Fri 18 May 2012, 23:20 
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I DO NOT OWN THIS SONG, NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED! ALL RIGHTS GO TO THEIR RESPECTIVE OWNERS!


JAGGER, MICK / RICHARDS, KEITH wrote:
I see a red door, and I want it painted black:
No colors anymore, I want them to turn black. (or "... I wish they'd all turn black")
I see the girls walk by, dressed in their summer clothes; (or "... in their calico")
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes.

I see a line of cars, and they're all painted black,
With flowers, and my love, both never to come back. (or "With flowers for the one who's never coming back.")
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away:
Like a newborn baby, it just happens every day.

I look inside myself, and see my heart is black.
I see my red door, and must have it painted black.
Maybe, then, I'll fade away! And not have to face the facts.
(It's not easy, facing up, when your whole world is black.)

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue.
(I could not foresee this thing happening to you.)
If I look hard enough, into the setting sun,
Will my love laugh with me, before the morning comes?

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Last edited by eldin raigmore on Wed 23 May 2012, 23:21, edited 1 time in total.

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an-tan
PostPosted: Tue 22 May 2012, 01:48 
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The first verse:

I see a red door, and I want it painted black:
No colors anymore, I want them to turn black. (or "... I wish they'd all turn black")
I see the girls walk by, dressed in their summer clothes; (or "... in their calico")
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes.

Eyuh ha michaso tso'ina, wa uyuh eh tsemo yalenou tsoeke:
I see a threshold of red, and it, I want to be painted of black.
Kememan šisimoni, shuh eh tsemo aitsake tsoeke.
No longer colours, them, I want to turn of black.
Eh ha šinanalao šokeše ak'šayuhla chehas tsokoimaka, šala oya jen;
I see girls wearing their clothes of the hot-time, they walk past;
Kemi akeh chanuki chweyi yiku, eh tsamo nede akeh yupalo.
Until my darkness goes away, I need to turn away my head.

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eldin raigmore
PostPosted: Wed 23 May 2012, 23:20 
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an-tan wrote:
The first verse:
....
Eyuh ha michaso tso'ina, wa uyuh eh tsemo yalenou tsoeke:
I see a threshold of red, and it, I want to be painted of black.
Kememan šisimoni, shuh eh tsemo aitsake tsoeke.
No longer colours, them, I want to turn of black.
Eh ha šinanalao šokeše ak'šayuhla chehas tsokoimaka, šala oya jen;
I see girls wearing their clothes of the hot-time, they walk past;
Kemi akeh chanuki chweyi yiku, eh tsamo nede akeh yupalo.
Until my darkness goes away, I need to turn away my head.


Cool! [B)] And, thanks! [:)]
Can you pronounce your conlang yet? I'd like to hear a recording of this first verse, if you can make one. (Spoken, not necessarily sung! Unless you also have some con-music?)

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Toko
PostPosted: Thu 24 May 2012, 15:28 
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First two verses, hopefully later I'll get a chance to amend with the other half:

Image

khy nje gavj je, by sova nje dloshy'lj kolovj
see (SUBJ marker) door red then want (SUBJ marker) paint 3P black
I see a red door, thus I want it painted black

kjely'ka ko dlovj, as nje d'ju khabj ly kolovj
never only NEG color be.emotion (SUBJ marker) desire about change 3P black
No longer any colors, I desire them all to change to black

khy nje gyzhj zhyvj shovj togj novo vlukj na tje mykj
see (SUBJ marker) walk women wear clothing weather warm that personal nearby
I see the women wearing warm weather clothes walk by me

vazje zhushj nje hjeshj tje'k kovay tje ju, svoly
have.to turn (SUBJ marker) head personal get.rid.of darkness personal about, all.times
Every time I have to turn my head to get rid of my darkness.

khy nje jotj khoy na, ta kul khoy vachj nje kolovj
see (SUBJ marker) line cars of, also be cars each (SUBJ marker) black
I see a line of cars, and each car is coloured black

movj moy lu tje'ta, kjelj'ka ko chova, ko shtovj.
flowers beautiful lover personal and, never only NEG return.home, NEG what.love
Beautiful flowers and my love, never more to return home, this love is done.

khy nje zhushj ku hjeshj ly tje, by kokhj shkas sha la
see (SUBJ marker) turn people head 3P personal, then look.away fast (ADV marker) 3P
I see people turn their heads, then they all quickly look away

sovyk shuvj na kovo, dava vachj dolu sa.
child newborn as of.course, day each use 1P
Like a newborn child of course, each day we do it.

Should fit the tune of the original. "Summer clothes" is "warm weather clothes" as my conworld lacks diverse seasons as we know them and doesn't really have an equivalent word. togj vy na, "light clothing" would probably be a more common phrasing but the one used fit the tune better.

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eldin raigmore
PostPosted: Thu 24 May 2012, 21:48 
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Cool, Toko! [B)] Thanks! [:)]

Toko wrote:
khy nje gavj je, by sova nje dloshy'lj kolovj
kjely'ka ko dlovj, as nje d'ju khabj ly kolovj
khy nje gyzhj zhyvj shovj togj novo vlukj na tje mykj
vazje zhushj nje hjeshj tje'k kovay tje ju, svoly

khy nje jotj khoy na, ta kul khoy vachj nje kolovj
movj moy lu tje'ta, kjelj'ka ko chova, ko shtovj.
khy nje zhushj ku hjeshj ly tje, by kokhj shkas sha la
sovyk shuvj na kovo, dava vachj dolu sa.

It rhymes! [B)]


Toko wrote:
Should fit the tune of the original. "Summer clothes" is "warm weather clothes" as my conworld lacks diverse seasons as we know them and doesn't really have an equivalent word. togj vy na, "light clothing" would probably be a more common phrasing but the one used fit the tune better.

Great! [B)]
Can you sing? If so, could you post a recording of yourself singing these first two verses? Or maybe just one of them?
Even if not, could you post a recording of yourself reading one or both of these verses?

That'd be great; but what you've already posted is already great.
(PPS BTW are you zai?)

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xinda
PostPosted: Thu 24 May 2012, 23:37 
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我看見一個紅門，我要它被畫黑，
不要任何顔色了，讓它們變成黑。
看著女孩走過頭，穿著夏天的服裝，
需要轉頭，等黑暗離我很長的遠方。

wǒ kànjiàn yīgè hóngmén, wǒ yào tā bèi huà hēi,
1 see-meet one-COUNTER red-door, 1 want 3.I PASS draw black
bùyào rènhé yánsè le, ràng tāmen biànchéng hēi.
NEG-want any color PERF, allow 3.I-PL become black
kànzhe nǚhái zǒu guòtóu, chuānzhe xiàtiān de fúzhuāng,
see-PROG female-child walk pass-head, wear-PROG summer-day GEN clothing
xūyào zhuǎn tóu, děng hēi'àn lí wǒ hěn cháng de yuǎnfāng.
must turn head, wait darkness be_away 1 very long GEN distance

我看到一排汽車，統統都畫黑色,
畫花，我的愛，回來是一定不可。
看到別人面向我，一看頭就轉回去，
像個新生小孩，這種事我每天必遇。

wǒ kàn dào yī pái qìchē, tǒngtǒng dōu huà hēisè,
1 see arrive one row automobile, all also draw black-color
huà huā, wǒ de ài, huílái shì yīdìng bùkě.
draw flower, 1 GEN love, return-come be absolutely NEG-can
kàn dào biérén miàn xiàng wǒ, yī kàn tóu jiù zhuǎn huíqù,
see arrive other-person face facing 1, one see head right_away turn return-go
xiàng gè xīnshēng xiǎohái, zhè zhǒng shì wǒ měitiān bì yù.
like COUNTER new-born small-child, this kind matter 1 everyday must encounter

我檢查自己身内的心臟是否黑，
找到我的紅色門，必須要被畫黑，
畫完希望能消失才不用對實話。
（往上看是不容易，如果世界被畫黑。）

wǒ jiǎnchá zìjǐ shēn nèi de xīnzàng shìfǒu hēi,
1 examine self body within GEN heart whether black
zhǎodào wǒ de hóngsè mén, bìxūyào bèi huà hēi,
find-arrive 1 GEN red-color door, must PASS draw black
huà wán xīwàng néng xiāoshī cái bùyòng duì shíhuà.
draw finish hope can disappear so NEG-need facing truth
(wǎng shàng kàn shì bù róngyì, rúguǒ quán shìjiè bèi huà hēi. )
towards up look be NEG easy, if all world PASS draw black

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eldin raigmore
PostPosted: Fri 25 May 2012, 01:19 
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@xinda: I cannot see the Chinese characters (Hanzi?), but Google Translate translates it roughly the way you do.

The pinyin has words I know and more I recognize, so I knew it was Mandarin or a related dialect.

You hold the record for number of verses translated so far! [B)]

Thanks.

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Toko
PostPosted: Sat 26 May 2012, 13:03 
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I'm not really much of a singer, but I gave it a shot anyway. The two verses I posted:

Dloshy'b nje Kolovj (mp3, 1.5 MB)

Dloshy'b nje Kolovj
paint 2S (SUBJ marker) black
Paint It Black

(generic polite-ish commands are done using 2S as the subject)

<y> sung is often "lengthened" into /i/ (normally its closer to /ɨ/), which isn't much of a stretch since in old Zelsen <y> would have represented /i/. And often liberties are taken with pronunciation, for example, "svoly" below would under most circumstances be written <svolj> and the last syllable is palatalized not pronounced in full. It's a common practice in poetry/songs, stemming from old Zelsen's phonological rules, and sometimes words that end in <j> /ʲ/ do have it changed to <y> /ɨ/ in speech, such as "dloshy'b" (normally "dloshj") in the song title.

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valiums
PostPosted: Sun 27 May 2012, 01:28 
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In Light Yune, with a few words fudged around so that it would (almost [>_<]) rhyme:

I see a red door, and I want it painted black.
Chǐ shäek mia shou tsu lak em mia shou juae maem lun.
red door ACC.SG I see-and it ACC.SG I want write black

No colors anymore, I want them to turn black.
Khiú dzu tëišöujärmšöu, em šë shou juae čhän lun.
no colors anymore, it turn I do-want black

I see the girls walk by, dressed in their summer clothes.
Tsiae föyäes ma shou tsu, vang bia luǐ dzóntseikšöu.
girl walk-PL ACC I see, with she GEN.PL summer-clothing

I have to turn my head until my darkness goes.
Chëk mia shou gek buam tchui shou lǐ phuirm fióu čhéuk dčhouš.
head ACC.SG I must turn until I GEN dark FUT go fade
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eldin raigmore
PostPosted: Tue 29 May 2012, 22:54 
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@Valiums: Thanks!


@Toko:
Toko wrote:
I'm not really much of a singer, but I gave it a shot anyway. The two verses I posted:
Dloshy'b nje Kolovj (mp3, 1.5 MB)
Dloshy'b nje Kolovj
paint 2S (SUBJ marker) black
Paint It Black

How very brave! You now hold the record for most sound-recordings posted on and relevant to this thread.
btw I think your singing is good enough. I bet if you posted this on YouTube it would get a lot of play.

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xinda
PostPosted: Wed 30 May 2012, 02:48 
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eh...might as well
畫黑

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Last edited by xinda on Sat 02 Jun 2012, 04:32, edited 2 times in total.

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eldin raigmore
PostPosted: Wed 30 May 2012, 21:16 
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xinda wrote:
eh...might as well
畫黑

That sounds great!
Sounds like a duet on the last verse you recorded; is it?



Google Translate says this about the very last verse (the only one you didn't translate);

没有更多的将我的绿海，去转了更深的蓝。
（我无法预见这件事发生在你身上。）
如果我看够硬，到夕阳，
将我的爱笑我，早晨来临之前呢？

Méiyǒu gèng duō de jiāng wǒ de lǜ hǎi, qù zhuǎnle gēngshēn de lán.
(Wǒ wúfǎ yùjiàn zhè jiàn shì fāshēng zài nǐ shēnshang. )
Rúguǒ wǒ kàn gòu yìng, dào xīyáng,
Jiāng wǒ de ài xiào wǒ, zǎochen láilín zhīqián ne?

How good or how bad is that?



Now that we've got two sung sound-recordings, I'm feeling more and more like we should set up a thread of them on YouTube or somewhere else that the world in general can hear them.

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xinda
PostPosted: Sat 02 Jun 2012, 04:26 
puremetal
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Quote:
That sounds great!
Sounds like a duet on the last verse you recorded; is it?

Sort of? I just recorded another track one octave lower for the last two lines of each stanza. :D

Quote:
Google Translate says this about the very last verse (the only one you didn't translate);

没有更多的将我的绿海，去转了更深的蓝。
（我无法预见这件事发生在你身上。）
如果我看够硬，到夕阳，
将我的爱笑我，早晨来临之前呢？

Méiyǒu gèng duō de jiāng wǒ de lǜ hǎi, qù zhuǎnle gēngshēn de lán.
(Wǒ wúfǎ yùjiàn zhè jiàn shì fāshēng zài nǐ shēnshang. )
Rúguǒ wǒ kàn gòu yìng, dào xīyáng,
Jiāng wǒ de ài xiào wǒ, zǎochen láilín zhīqián ne?

How good or how bad is that?

I guess it gets the point across, but there are a couple of grammatical/word choice errors.

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